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Fast forward a bit. I am sitting with Sam, a new executive coaching client. A bright, ivy league introverted guy who is managing people for the first time. He shares some feedback about being seen as too intense and intimidating.

I asked him to breathe. Sam squirmed in his chair but consciously took in air and let it out. I asked him to do it more slowly, more deliberately. We even breathed a few breaths at the same time. I encouraged Sam to check in with himself. “How do you feel?”, I asked. “Calmer,” he replied.

That is usually what happens when we conciously take in a breath. Since I smirked about my breathing book gift, I have gotten into yoga. The practice of yoga is all about integrating breathing with movement and quieting the mind. It works. Breathing helps us to focus on the moment we are in – in my book I refer to Presence…being where your feet are. When you are aware of your breathing it is impossible to be nervous or to be revved up.

What else does breathing do? The effect rubs off on the people around you. You are seen as in control and not frantic (even though you might be feeling somewhat like that).

Sam left my office with a tool to try on at work.  He is just tapping into a natural  resource that is free and always readily available. Try it and see the results – a calmer, more focused  you.

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Blogger Breanne Potter, formerly of the MBTI Blog and now of assessmentbuzz.com told me about the proposed  APA (that’s Psychiatric)  definition of introversion for the new DSM. It really is, as she says, taking the concept of introversion backwards.

According to their proposed definition introversion means “withdrawal from other people, ranging from intimate relationships to the world at large; restricted affective experience and expression; limited hedonic capacity.” That is just the beginning.

Now to be fair, most psychiatric definitions seem a little strong but this really does paint introversion as pathological.

Read Breanne’s excellent take on how the APA is moving backwards by seeing Introversion as a personality disorder. And, if you feel strongly about it, let the APA know. I expressed my opinion on their website and they acknowledged my input.  They are taking comments on this new version of the DSM.  You just have to register to comment.  Let the psychiatrists know what you think! Introversion is not a problem to be solved.

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Clapton took us through a journey of his music through the decades. He was very different from the opening act, Roger Daltry (clearly the extrovert ). He never introduced the songs (we all knew them anyway) and only spoke softly to name the band members after their solos.

He didn’t put on foolish grins or try to win us over. He simply was himself, a gifted musican, clearly in his own world.  He let his talent speak, or rather play, for itself.

Clapton grew up an introvert. He spent many hours alone with his guitar dealing with a rough childhood,  honing his gift.  Later on he battled alcohol and drugs. None of that mattered last night. The man and his guitar shined with a quiet grace. I am so grateful I was there to witness it.

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So I was interested in this article by NY Times writer Sam Dillon about a new trend – wired buses? Wi-Fi Turns Rowdy Bus Into Rolling Study Hall. Apparently, there is a Tuscon, Arizona school district that is touting real results. By allowing kids to do their homework to and from school, performance is improving. Most are very pleased with the new bus.

I am not sure how I feel about this.  Easy for me to say as an adult,  but isn’t the school bus a kind of learning lab for social interaction? We learn how to make conversations and talk to people different than ourselves. We even get some experience in fending off the mean girls and rough boys. And what about getting the real scoop about teachers and school policies, etc.??? All of these are skills that serve us well as we swing through the workplace.

At the same time it seems that allowing introverts the chance to retreat before they have to interact all day at school could be a plus. And how about the extroverts? Might they benefit from a bit of quiet before they hit the school yard? I guess having Facebook available could serve some of their socializing needs.

With the choice of retreating into our laptops 24-7, we need to allow some time to engage with others. Otherwise those people skills become rusty and it is too easy to miss even the beauty of the Arizona landscape.

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I look forward to my daily Google Alerts. This morning I found this gem posted on an IVillage,com message board called “The Lipstick Lounge”

date:

“I’m a social introvert. It’s hard for me to be this way because I like people, I like interacting and sometimes I wonder why I don’t get my energy around them or can’t be like social extroverts who can go, go, go when they are around people. It took me a long time to realize I need my down time, and being fine alone and being happy alone isn’t a bad thing.

Because I don’t get my energy from other people doesn’t mean I can’t interact with them. Running is something that wears me down too (I’m not a runner, I don’t even get that ‘runner’s high’), but I still do it though I end up needing to rest afterwards. It’s kind of the same idea.”

I love how the writer demonstrates self acceptance. And she turns the myth about reclusive introverts on it’s head. Just give me some down time to recover, say the introverts.

Also – what a great analogy about the Push strategy of forcing yourself to run and then recouping. My guess is that the writer has developed socializing ease through her disciplined execution.

Thank you “Sparkle.Tangerine” for your well expressed wisdom.

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Plugging into a cold network of professional and personal connections is hard. People want to know that you are interested in them from time to time, not just when you are job seeking.

So if Sam’s sibling does want to talk to me, I will suggest that he waste no time in connecting with work and professional colleagues, past and present.

I will also share three steps he can take immediately.

1) Prepare 5 questions to ask your contacts on your phone meetings. Show genuine interest in their challenges and successes. It is not all about you. How can you demonstrate knowledge and competence and learn as much as you can in your networking meetings?

2) Study names and use them. Repeat them at least 5 times ( saying it in your head is fine!)

3) When you attend networking events,  follow the advice of a wise introverted networker, He says ” I tell myself I can do anything for 30 minutes!”

And if Sam’s brother doesn’t want to meet with me, that’s okay. I can go ahead and follow my own advice.

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I have always gotten a kick out of the Motley Fools. They boil down financial info into nuggets that even a non numbers person understands. You’ve gotta love the theme on their website  Fool.com, ” To Educate, Amuse and Enrich”

I was pleased to learn that Adrian Rush, Fool Online Editor, and introverted leader himself, wrote his own take on the piece yesterday. Check it out and comment, or as Adrian says, “Write up a storm” you introverts!

Why Quiet Leaders Win

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